Our wedding was at The Edgewater Hotel in downtown Seattle. Our house is about 20 minutes from the venue, so we decided to stay at the venue for the weekend, along with a lot of our friends and family who came from out of town. We had 100 guests. Our venue was in charge of the bar/catering/setup, etc. Our ceremony and reception were all in the same ballroom. Our budget was $50,000 (but I…went over that).
Here is everything I learned from our big day:
Waking up together. Ancient traditions be damned. Adam and I spent the night before our wedding together because there is no one in this world I’d rather yap all night and all morning to about an epic party than my sweet almost-husband.
Thinking inside the box. The most important thing I did in the months leading up to the wedding was neatly organize giant plastic tubs with an unexpectedly large amount of wedding paraphernalia. There were about a dozen XL boxes clearly labeled with menu cards, flower girl baskets, 25 framed photos, 72 huge votives, floating candles, place cards, signage, hotel gift bags, wedding party gifts, etc. This made it easy to store, reference and retrieve on day-of. Several family members helped us transport these to the hotel, and it made it very easy for our coordinator to find what she needed for Saturday setup.
Gifts that keep on giving. I know, I know — there’s enough to think about already but Adam and I exchanged thoughtful gifts the morning of, and I’m so glad we did because it is always heartwarming to feel seen, especially when the person you’re about to marry knows you so well. (I recognize this act can go awry, so proceed with caution!) He also had his groomsmen drop off a sweet card for me while I was getting ready. Listen: Do not assume your partner is going to do this! If you want this to happen, suggest so in advance. I know many of us have very thoughtful partners, but there is nothing wrong with articulating your needs and wants so you’re not disappointed..
Get a room. The room Adam and I stayed in at the hotel was an XL suite with ample room, an insane balcony and a water view. This isn’t just a brag, the space served several different purposes. There was plenty of room to store our wedding tubs; it was extremely easy for my bridesmaids and bridesmen to hang out, get ready here and have room to breathe; the balcony added another setting for professional pictures; and, although it was our coveted “newlywed suite,” it still served as homebase for most of the day — signing our marriage certificate, gathering our entire wedding party, changing shoes, etc.
Early bird gets the smokey eye. When my hair and makeup artists told me we needed to start at 9am, I laughed. Our ceremony wasn't until 5pm and formal pictures didn’t start until 3pm — how the hell would my gorgeous new head stay put for so long? The answer is: good hair products and setting sprays, of course. My wedding party got started first, and their faces and manes stayed perfect throughout the day, and by the time I wrapped up my transformation, it was, in fact, almost 3pm. Who knew getting this beautiful would take half a day?! (I’ve been in multiple weddings and never remember starting that early!)
The perfect pic. Earlier in the month, my photographer sent a detailed survey so we could establish who and what I wanted pictures of, and decide which visuals were the most important to me. This allowed me to trust the process day-of instead of hoping she captured what I wanted. (I wrote about how to vet a photographer by interviewing mine, which you can read here.) Finding someone who knows exactly what to capture and who is willing to improvise if you decide in the moment you need something different is clutch.
Image conscious. One of my first Betches Brides pieces was titled: I Am Not Losing Weight For My Wedding. I’m here to report I held onto that promise. Despite this, of course I am a woman existing in society so I am, unfortunately, too-conscious of what I look like, especially on Wedding Day when All Eyes are on me. This ultimately became another “just let it go” moment; where I truly had to trust that someone would clue me in if I had a nipple peeping out or a fake eyelash stuck to my forehead or toilet paper trailing off my pearled heels. I had to trust my photographer would capture me from flattering angles and deliver an album that wasn’t just me doing every single facial contortion except a soft smile. And if none of those things happened? I’d have to trust myself enough to know I looked awesome that day and the rest was just all part of the messy beauty of being a human.
This party’s lit. If your altar area is not sizable but your dress is, forgo the large candles. Take my word on this.
Cocktail hour. The coordinator had a plate of our cocktail-hour appetizers sitting in our room after the ceremony so we could enjoy them in peace and have a few minutes for just the two of us. 10/10.
Give better creative briefs. During the toasts, Adam’s dad, his best man, my maid of honor and my dad spoke. Everyone knocked it out of the park—especially my father who gave a legendary speech (as confirmed by literally every guest at the party) but here’s the thing: it was TWENTY-SEVEN minutes long. It was sentimental, rousing, unique and heartfelt (much like him), but I forgot to let him know that he should, perhaps, keep it around 6-8 minutes. During the speech, no one could go to the bar or eat their entrees, so he threw our timeline into a bit of a tailspin. It was worth it, of course, but this is your reminder to give clear creative briefs to your speakers. (Hi, dad! I know you’re reading this. I love you, you did great!)
The details were worth every penny. FWR (Frivolity Within Reason) and all the details that feel special to you are going to make this very traditional event feel more uniquely non-traditional. Here’s a list of things that made our day extra awesome: The performer wearing the champagne dress at cocktail hour. The disco ball wall. The custom cocktail napkins with our pets and the bar coasters with our first Hinge exchange. The etched vintage crystal champagne glasses I got for our parents and wedding party. The guest portrait painter. The open bar with bonus espresso martinis. The audio guest book. The custom rom-com-inspired cookies. The place cards that had guests' names on one side and one of my single-girl tweets on the other. The detailed newspapers/flyers. Our officiant being Josh Mankiewicz from Dateline. (I know, insane.) And late-night cheeseburgers from Dick’s (a Seattle institution).
Not everything “special” and “extra” has to cost a lot of money — I got 100 custom coasters for $50 at Walgreens. I got 20 crystal champagne glasses from a tiny thrift store for $40. Making my own place cards cost about $30. 100 custom classic matchbooks were $100. For months, I’d buy super-discounted gold frames when I saw them for our picture displays. I used my at-home printer (a millennial anomaly) and photo paper to make my own signage. I’m not aggressively a DIY girlie but I tried where I could!
Say yes to (bustling) the dress. My wedding dress was absolutely perfect. It was a stunning Jenny Yoo ball gown that made my husband and all my guests gasp. (10/10) My only regret was not adding a bustle option at the tailor for when I’d be getting down and dirty on the dance floor. I figured I’d be able to just swing the train around with my body, like a human tail, but alas, I continue to learn lessons the hard way.
Special mom-ents. I recently wrote briefly about having to plan a wedding without my mom, so I wanted to make sure she was honored in the best way possible throughout the day. Adam and I tossed some of her ashes into Puget Sound the morning of; I wrote a paragraph into the officiant’s script about how she would want us to be joyous today instead of teary-eyed; I placed a small gold urn on the welcome table and wrote a note to everyone titled: Don’t make this weird, but Patty’s here. My dad included a very touching tribute to her in his (twenty-seven minute!!) speech. And more than anything, we just honored her spirit by making sure there were more laughs than laments, more celebrations than sadness.
A keyword. Throughout the weekend, anytime either Adam and I would get overwhelmed or good-anxious, we would look at one another and say our secret word, which was a reminder to take a deep breath and really remember why we’re here, why we’re doing this, how much we love each other, and how special every second of this weekend is. It was a lifesaver in situations where I jumped out of the moment to think about something upcoming or that already happened, and it would swiftly bring me back to earth.
Photo challenge. I’ve been to several weddings that successfully pulled off The Photo Challenge — when the DJ plays a fun song and the bride and groom run from table to table to get multiple group photos with literally everyone at the wedding before the song is over. It’s a fun idea, and we certainly attempted it, but it didn’t go as smoothly as we liked. (I’ll let you know when the pictures come back if I change my mind about that.)
Keep calm & coordinate on. I know I’ve said it already but hiring a day-of coordinator was the smartest move I made (besides marrying Adam). I posted about needing one in my local “Weddings on a Budget” Facebook group and found several good contenders with extremely reasonable rates. The woman I ended up hiring was great at keeping the day on track, and, as an added bonus, she took pictures and videos on her phone for much of the day so I could see it all unfold in the days waiting for my professional photos and videography. (If you live in the PNW and want her info, hit me up!)
After the party, it’s the after party. If you’re going to organize an AP, do it in advance or put someone else in charge. We didn’t do either of those things, so naturally I invited everyone still standing at 11pm back to our hotel suite and forgot to tell the groom, who arrived seconds after to see his new wife — and 25 close friends and family — drinking wine my guests bought off the bartender. (He’s a very good sport.) The after party lasted exactly 36 minutes and that feels correct.
“Things will go wrong.” This is all I heard from almost anyone I told or talked to about my upcoming wedding, to which I’d almost always reply: OK, but maybe they don’t have to?? I understand that with any big event there might be hiccups — I’m very much rooted in reality in that regard — but I’d rather chat about all the things that are going to go right, especially after spending as much time as I have on this. Maybe we should start saying to brides: “Things will go as great as they possibly can!” and “You’re doing amazing, sweetie.” Or “Here’s $50,000!” (OK, a bride can dream.)
